“Lock your door and don’t get out of the car,” mother said when I told her I was heading to the United States? “Remember to duck,” was another response, this from a nephew starved to travel but already holding his nose when it came to the U.S.
Such is the current reputation of the U.S. among even the more apolitical of young and old minds. But it’s in our Canadian DNA to take a morally righteous tone towards our gun-toting friends, even more so just after a high school got shot up and President Trump couldn’t even fake an empathetic response without cue cards.
However we’ve traveled through lands ruled by iron-fisted authoritarians and human rights hating communists, so relax mom and remember who gave us Netflix and Breaking Bad. Speaking of Breaking Bad, it’s set in Arizona, one of the stars of this quick little travel, and the biggest star of all is the Grand Canyon.
Grand Canyon, Arizona
It is so inconceivably, overwhelmingly massive that calling it simply “Grand” doesn’t do it justice. In today’s super-hyperbole driven era, it should be renamed Mother of All Ground Cracks Park (MAGC), or Super Awesome Canyon, or the Viral Valley.
We spent parts of three days flying over it in a helicopter (that’d be Trish of course), hiking down and up (that’d be me of course), and gazing into the monstrosity of it all (that’d be all of us, including our buddy, Emily).
Helicopter pre-launch
Aerial views from helicopter
And while it is absolutely as breathtaking as everybody says, it feels too gargantuan, like that slurpee in the hands of a four year old who can only be dumbstrucked with its enormity. Even as I trekked down to the Colorado River (about the only escape from the crowds) and then back up, it was a visual experience, lacking necessary intimacy and solitude.
South Kaibab Trail
Almost 3 hours to descend with a 5,000ft drop in elevation
Colorado River
Very cold water, very very cold in the winter season
Every year 250 people have to be rescued, I imagine most in the summer, when the heat combined with the challenges of the climbs wreck unprepared hikers.
Bright Angel Trail….a 6 hour ascent back up.
Lipan Lookout – We all voted as the ultimate viewing spot
Little Colorado River (minus the water)
Monument Valley, Arizona
Impossible to have not seen these beauties somewhere on a screen, thanks to Thelma and Louise, scores of western movies, Forrest Gump, Back to the Future, Westworld, etc…these massive buttes in Navajo territory rise like holy monoliths in a silent universe (it helped that we closed the park at dusk).
Once upon a time the tops of these isolated rock formations were part of the Rockies. Geological uplift and erosion moulded them into their current shapes.
Page, Arizona
We’d intended to do the infamous Antelope slot Canyon but rain closed it the day we arrived. The following day meant either joining the crowds lining up at Antelope, or a chance to do a day trip to Bryce National Park. We’re glad we chose the latter, but not before a couple of stops along the way.
Horseshoe Bend, Arizona
Trish was a couple of feet from a 1000ft drop…….
Lake Powell, Arizona
Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument, Utah
(Poorly named, as there was not a staircase to be found anywhere)
Toadstools
Bryce National Park, Utah
aka Hoodooville, largest concentration of hoodoos in the world (with our buddy Emily)
Zion National Park, Utah
In 1917 the park changed its name from the locally unpopular Mukuntuweap to Zion, a name used by the local Mormon community. Maybe they should have re-named nearby Bryce National Park, Palestine, just to balance things out? Or Harry and the other Meghan?
Observation Point
A 2000 ft drop, a 2 hr steady hoof to get up there, 2.5 if you’re a spring-break student, carrying a boombox and no water, as some silly sods were.
One of many slot canyons in the park
There are obvious reasons it’s number 5 among most visited U.S. National Parks, (Grand Canyon being number 2), the multi-shaded sandstone cliffs, the resplendent views, the huge variation in landscapes…
If the Grand Canyon were a house, it’d be the first that’d catch your eye. Well-endowed, expansive and gaudy like Liberace’s mansion with gilded carriages lining the circular drive. It attracts swarms of selfie armed, bus tourists. They look and they salivate, because the Canyon is pure eye-candy.
However, for those who are patient, eyes will soon land on Bryce. Much smaller, often forgotten, but not without it’s own rock hard yet also ethereal designs. It’s constantly insecure and easily dwarfed by MAGC. The Fiat parked in front doesn’t help, but it couldn’t care less. Then there’s the hipster Zion with the Prius in the driveway. Zion also doesn’t have as many likes as the MAGC. But it’s special in it’s own restrained, yet elegant way. One immediately feels soothed, warmed, comforted and yes, excited. It’s a visceral awakening and you understand why many are drawn to it’s many shades, angles and congeniality. It’s the complete package, the ready to move in and nest, or chill out with a cosmo by the Joshua tree kinda crib.
Zion is often overlooked because someone else just moved into the hood and put a shiny new condo complex named the Jezebel, who prefers to hide behind the moniker Las Vegas. Jezebel will say and do anything to entice new tenants with a ‘don’t ask don’t tell policy’. We end our whirlwind 8 night, 6 location trip with Jezebel. I suppose one could go to Paris for the Eiffel Tower, Venice for the canals, New York for the skyline, and Cairo for the Pyramids. But why bother? Jezebel lets you have it all with a casino below each wonder and within mere steps of one another.
One lonely croupier I spoke with was a fairly recent immigrant from Thailand. She came for school but stayed having married another Thai. She usually works the night shift, better tips, but also worse drunks. She knew nothing about gambling, but the casino taught her everything and she’s fairly content. Does she gamble? Of course not, you will lose, she says. It didn’t take long for the beefcake security guard to come over and check me out. The beefcake’s highgrade training saw me as no threat and he moved on, as did the cropier’s attention span.
I know many would disagree, but this adult playground is like “cuy”, that ubiquitous guinea pig commonly served as food in Peru. It only needs to be tried once. However, it’s only 2.5 hrs from Zion, which is itself only 90 minutes from Palestine. So it’s likely I’ll pass through Jezebel again. It’d be real nice if I never had to lock my doors.
Up Next – Two little known but challenging treks in Peru: Choqueqirao and Ausangate.
